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Ah, the many pitfalls of relationships between men and women. This probably won't come as a shock to any of you, but here goes: men and women sometimes use the same words to mean different things. Why college men hear "yes" when women mean "no.".
Note: this article is not about when men hear a woman say "no" to sex and ignore it; this article is about when a woman says something that--to her--means "no" or "slow down" and the man hears "yes" or "go faster." Women don't want to be rude or abrupt or offend or just aren't used to dealing with a male mindset and say something that indirectly means no or slower such as "it's getting late." Men hear something completely different, such as "not much time--let's skip the preliminaries."
Bottom line? Women: say what you want clearly and concisely, don't assume he's going to be thinking the same way you are. Men: realize that women don't necessarily use words the same way, and don't assume she means what you want her to mean.
To illustrate with an example from my own life: in college, I dated an older, more experienced man. I really, really liked him; we were good friends. I wanted him to think well of me. I wanted to act like an adult. I was scared he would think I was too young. I was nervous about physical intimacy, never having had a relationship go very far--a few kisses, that's it. I didn't want to go quickly, but I didn't want to offend him or act like a tease or like a teenager or anything, so I didn't want to directly say "no." Now, I'm a strong woman who was raised to know her own mind and state her own opinion, so I did it--but it was still hard and I agonized over it, and it took me a while to work up the courage to talk to him about the fact that I didn't want to go that fast. I tried to hint at it, hoping I wouldn't have to say it directly, before realizing that was stupid because he wasn't going to get it any other way. For women who didn't have a supportive family growing up to teach them to be strong and assertive, it would be a lot harder.
Note: this article is not about when men hear a woman say "no" to sex and ignore it; this article is about when a woman says something that--to her--means "no" or "slow down" and the man hears "yes" or "go faster." Women don't want to be rude or abrupt or offend or just aren't used to dealing with a male mindset and say something that indirectly means no or slower such as "it's getting late." Men hear something completely different, such as "not much time--let's skip the preliminaries."
Bottom line? Women: say what you want clearly and concisely, don't assume he's going to be thinking the same way you are. Men: realize that women don't necessarily use words the same way, and don't assume she means what you want her to mean.
To illustrate with an example from my own life: in college, I dated an older, more experienced man. I really, really liked him; we were good friends. I wanted him to think well of me. I wanted to act like an adult. I was scared he would think I was too young. I was nervous about physical intimacy, never having had a relationship go very far--a few kisses, that's it. I didn't want to go quickly, but I didn't want to offend him or act like a tease or like a teenager or anything, so I didn't want to directly say "no." Now, I'm a strong woman who was raised to know her own mind and state her own opinion, so I did it--but it was still hard and I agonized over it, and it took me a while to work up the courage to talk to him about the fact that I didn't want to go that fast. I tried to hint at it, hoping I wouldn't have to say it directly, before realizing that was stupid because he wasn't going to get it any other way. For women who didn't have a supportive family growing up to teach them to be strong and assertive, it would be a lot harder.
