Rant on relationships in fic
Mar. 19th, 2012 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beatrice_otterSo I just read a fic.
It was a good fic.
Well-written, well-characterized, interesting.
And I enjoyed it. But at the same time, it really, really annoyed me.
I'm sure you've all read fics like it. Characters A and B (canon ship) are married, and it is the future. They're going through the motions, both kind of depressed and not connecting, maybe actively unhappy. Character A falls for character C--maybe in an "It's a Wonderful Life" type viewing of an alternate universe, maybe some other ficcish plot device, maybe just in the normal course of events. Character A leaves Character B for Character C, and all is perfect again!
Except not, because you know what, that's not how it works in real life. If you're in a long-term, committed relationship that's not working, unless it's that your partner is abusive or one of you is of the "wrong" sexuality for your relationship (i.e. het couple where one is actually gay, or gay couple where one is actually straight), changing partners is probably not going to fix it. Because most of the time, when there's something wrong in a long-term, serious, committed relationship such as marriage, it's that one or both partners has some habits or attitudes that are unhealthy/unhelpful, and usually both. If you break up and marry someone else, you know what happens? After the honeymoon period, you generally fall back into the same bad habits. And you're right back where you started. The only thing that's going to fix it is getting your head on straight and working through whatever the issues are. At that point, having worked through the issues (or at least figured out what they are), you may decide that indeed the relationship is not working and can't be salvaged, and go on to a new relationship that may actually work out in the long run. Otherwise, the pattern is just going to repeat itself.
The other thing that really bugs me about this trope is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you any more." Because the thing is, the phenomena of being "in love" doesn't last, or at least it doesn't stay the same, for anybody. Yes, it's good and right and necessary at the beginning of a relationship, but studies have shown that that phase of a relationship only lasts an average of about four years. So if that's your gold standard, the be-all, end-all of a relationship, well, you will either be very disappointed, or you will be dumping your partner and finding someone new about twice a decade. And if that's what you want, well, that's your choice, but if you're looking for something long-lasting you can't expect the heady feeling from the beginning to last forever and at all points in a relationship. The thing is, you can build a wonderful, satisfying, fulfilling, life-long relationship on loving someone even after the "in love" portion fades, and you can keep the romance going if you're both willing to put some effort into it, but if you throw the relationship out in the trash when things get hard or inconvenient, you'll never get there.
I'm not saying anyone (fictional or not) should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. I'm just saying that the first step should be figuring out if it's the relationship itself that is making you unhappy, or patterns of behavior within the relationship that you would probably repeat in a different relationship. And if you want a good, lifelong relationship, you can't throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble.
I think what annoyed me the most about this fic was that it wasn't even the relationship that was the problem, it was that both partners were in jobs they didn't like that made them miserable, and so they were miserable and worn out when they got home and just kind of went through the motions. And getting divorced isn't going to change that! Yet breaking up was the first thing the character did, before even considering that "oh, hey, maybe I should find a job that doesn't suck the life out of me?" Also, "Oh, we love each other, we don't want to hurt one another" which I get, but shouldn't they have at least tried "OK, we love each other, and we don't want to hurt one another, so lot's see if we can figure out a way to heal our relationship and fix what's broken?"
It was a good fic.
Well-written, well-characterized, interesting.
And I enjoyed it. But at the same time, it really, really annoyed me.
I'm sure you've all read fics like it. Characters A and B (canon ship) are married, and it is the future. They're going through the motions, both kind of depressed and not connecting, maybe actively unhappy. Character A falls for character C--maybe in an "It's a Wonderful Life" type viewing of an alternate universe, maybe some other ficcish plot device, maybe just in the normal course of events. Character A leaves Character B for Character C, and all is perfect again!
Except not, because you know what, that's not how it works in real life. If you're in a long-term, committed relationship that's not working, unless it's that your partner is abusive or one of you is of the "wrong" sexuality for your relationship (i.e. het couple where one is actually gay, or gay couple where one is actually straight), changing partners is probably not going to fix it. Because most of the time, when there's something wrong in a long-term, serious, committed relationship such as marriage, it's that one or both partners has some habits or attitudes that are unhealthy/unhelpful, and usually both. If you break up and marry someone else, you know what happens? After the honeymoon period, you generally fall back into the same bad habits. And you're right back where you started. The only thing that's going to fix it is getting your head on straight and working through whatever the issues are. At that point, having worked through the issues (or at least figured out what they are), you may decide that indeed the relationship is not working and can't be salvaged, and go on to a new relationship that may actually work out in the long run. Otherwise, the pattern is just going to repeat itself.
The other thing that really bugs me about this trope is "I love you, but I'm not in love with you any more." Because the thing is, the phenomena of being "in love" doesn't last, or at least it doesn't stay the same, for anybody. Yes, it's good and right and necessary at the beginning of a relationship, but studies have shown that that phase of a relationship only lasts an average of about four years. So if that's your gold standard, the be-all, end-all of a relationship, well, you will either be very disappointed, or you will be dumping your partner and finding someone new about twice a decade. And if that's what you want, well, that's your choice, but if you're looking for something long-lasting you can't expect the heady feeling from the beginning to last forever and at all points in a relationship. The thing is, you can build a wonderful, satisfying, fulfilling, life-long relationship on loving someone even after the "in love" portion fades, and you can keep the romance going if you're both willing to put some effort into it, but if you throw the relationship out in the trash when things get hard or inconvenient, you'll never get there.
I'm not saying anyone (fictional or not) should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy. I'm just saying that the first step should be figuring out if it's the relationship itself that is making you unhappy, or patterns of behavior within the relationship that you would probably repeat in a different relationship. And if you want a good, lifelong relationship, you can't throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble.
I think what annoyed me the most about this fic was that it wasn't even the relationship that was the problem, it was that both partners were in jobs they didn't like that made them miserable, and so they were miserable and worn out when they got home and just kind of went through the motions. And getting divorced isn't going to change that! Yet breaking up was the first thing the character did, before even considering that "oh, hey, maybe I should find a job that doesn't suck the life out of me?" Also, "Oh, we love each other, we don't want to hurt one another" which I get, but shouldn't they have at least tried "OK, we love each other, and we don't want to hurt one another, so lot's see if we can figure out a way to heal our relationship and fix what's broken?"
(no subject)
Date: 2012-03-20 01:18 am (UTC)Still, I have some personal experience that contradicts that, which may fit the "exception that proves the rule" category, but it is experience directly from life.
My father is on his fourth and final marriage. I am the product of the first marriage. This last marriage (in strong contrast to the others which started out fine, but then stagnated and ended in divorce) has lasted 31 years as of this April, and is quite happy. My Dad married the first three because he was entranced by who and what they could become, and then was disillusioned and disappointed when that woman never emerged. The women were understandably upset that he wanted a phantom, a not-quite-them, rather than the women they were. With his last wife he had the hard-earned wisdom to pick someone he loved for who she was and they have grown and changed together on their journey.
I am coming up on my 32nd wedding anniversary in mid-May, and my husband and I are still in love. My heart and my breathing still speed up when he comes near. We are still on each other's mind when we are apart. We have the classic symptoms. Maybe we are biochemically weird, or maybe we are extra lucky, I don't know, but that rush, what excitement, that anticipation has not gone anywhere. It feels the same way it always had. It's just a little harder to express it freely with four kids!
That said, there have been times in the 32 years when we have been too busy with family concerns, too burnt out by worries, or too torn in several directions to feel it right-here-right-now, but these times pass, and we fall all over again. Maybe we are just two well-matched hopeless romantics.