beatrice_otter: SG-1--Walter in his seat, sparks flying. (Walter)
[personal profile] beatrice_otter
Title: A Collection of E-mails from the SGC Archives (the Wanky Wormhole Remix)
Author: [personal profile] beatrice_otter 
Fandom: SG-1
Word Count: 2,846
Betaed by: thothmes
Remix of: The one where Jack and Vala ended up on Fandom Wank by [personal profile] amaresu

From: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
To: Vala <vala.maldoran@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: Living off base

I don’t care how many different types of spaceship you can fly. If you want a drivers’ license, you’re gonna have to go to the DMV and get a permit like everyone else. If you’re nice to her, Carter may teach you how to drive. If you’re very nice to her, she might let you drive *her* car. Or Teal’c. Teal’c’s got his license, and being unflappable is pretty useful for a driving instructor. I wouldn’t ask Daniel, if I were you. What the hell did you do recently to make him that mad?

Nix on the apartment, too. Teal’c’s been here nine years longer than you, and he still lives on base. I trust him to stay out of trouble. You go looking for it. I’m not turning you loose on an unsuspecting planet without a keeper.

At least not a friendly unsuspecting planet.

Definitely not my own.

Major General Jack O’Neill
The Pentagon.


From: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
To: Vala <vala.maldoran@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: Living off base

Seriously? That’s your response to not getting your way, bad slash porn about my alter ego? Why put that much effort into something you don’t even bother to spell correctly? I mean, Word’s spellcheck’s a piece of crap, but even it should be able to figure out that “warrior” is spelled with two r’s. And you know as well as I do that anyone that badly injured is *not* going to be up for anything. Not to mention how out of character everyone is.

Major General Jack O’Neill
The Pentagon.


From: Vala <vala.maldoran@us.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
Subject: “My Dear Doctor Levant”

This chapter was the first idea I had For this fic, not a response to your petty tyranny. I’m 39 chapters in, it’s not about *you*. Cam is teaching me how to drive, and I’ve almost got Musles to agree to be my roommate in an apartment off campus. He can be your watchdog just as well there as here in the mountain, you kill joy. And what else am I to do with Sam gone to that tech conference and my Daniel buried in his books? The team hasn’t ben on a mission in a week and a haf, and I am BORED.

You think all LevIng is OOC, but I (and quite a few very lovely people, many of them working in this very base) see lots and lots of chemistry between Danning and Levant. Maybe your protesting too much. If my Daniel wasn’t madly in love with me even if he tries to hide it I’d be jealos. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome not to read it. I’m going to keep on writing it.

As for the spelling and such, you know the Gate translators don’t work on the written word. You may hear me speak your provincial language like a native, but I’m not. If I hadn’t heard Daniel complain about your reports so ofen I’d offer to let you correct my typos if you’ll explain to me some of the wierd grammar rules that make absolutely no sense. Earther language is bizarre.

Vala Mal Doran


From: Lieutenant Brandon Jefferson <brandon.jefferson@us.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>, Vala <vala.maldoran@us.af.mil>
Subject: Content of official e-mails

Sir, Ma’am, please remember that these are official e-mail addresses for official/SGC/Air Force related business ONLY. I realize how important Wormhole X-treme is, but please use your personal e-mails for it. Remember that all official e-mails get stored forever on our servers, and that e-mails with certain key phrases get automatically flagged for us to review.
Project Bluebook Technical Security


From: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
To: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: Vala’s latest

Teal’c, Lt. Freeman just told me General O’Neill and Vala got into it in the comments to Vala’s latest. I know you follow her stuff, but I didn’t know O’Neill did. Funny, I thought he’d be the fingers-in-the-ears lalala I’m not listening type, at least for the slash. On the other hand, I’d expect Daniel to be all over it, analyzing the social and cultural implications of it, and he just tries to ignore it. (Maybe because Vala is such an outspoken LevInGirl?) Anyway, I checked myself and the thread’s been deleted. What happened?

Cam


From: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
To: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: Vala’s latest

Colonel Mitchell,

The screen caps which you seek are attached.

Teal’c of Chulak


From: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
To: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: re: re: Vala’s latest

Teal’c,

You are the MAN. That is awesome—although some of those fangirls scare me. Is it bad I can’t tell if they’re being serious or ironic? I mean, they’re so out there they have to be joking. Or maybe on something. I don’t read fanfic myself, man, but there’s gotta be something better out there.

Too bad it’s all been taken down; this epic smackdown General O’Neill brought should get preserved for posterity.

Cam


From: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
To: Doctor Daniel Jackson <daniel.jackson@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: Vala and General O’Neill

Jackson,

Have you seen this?

Cam


From: Doctor Daniel Jackson <daniel.jackson@peterson.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
Subject: Is Washington really that bad?

Jack,

Are you really that bored that you have to take it out on a bunch of obsessed strangers online? Though I give you points for style; you seem to have gotten more eloquent in Washington. All those diplomatic functions, maybe?

Daniel


From: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
To: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: re: re: Vala’s latest

Colonel Mitchell,

As I have screencaps, this need not be lost to the vagaries of the internet. In addition, have you observed the recent continuation at O’Neill’s LiveJournal? The entry is two_lls.livejournal.com/41776.html. There is a place, called Fandom Wank (http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/), where such things may be preserved for posterity and the amusement of many. I have considered writing up this altercation, but I am not sure that my style would be appropriate for such a venue.


From: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
To: Doctor Daniel Jackson <daniel.jackson@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: Yes it is

Daniel,

The Chinese are stirring up trouble in the IOA again, and we’re getting rumors that another branch of the Trust is rearing its ugly head. Not to mention a new junior senator on the appropriations committee who is an IDIOT and doesn’t think the Ori are all that bad, and doesn’t think the Wraith could possibly make it to Earth. I can’t yell at them. Random idiots online, however, are another matter.

I miss the days when I could shoot my enemies.

Major General Jack O’Neill
The Pentagon


From: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>
To: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: Fandom Wank

Teal’c,

Sure, what the hell, I’ll do it. It’s not like we can do anything much besides paperwork with Carter off having fun on the Air Force’s dime.

Fandom Wank looks like an interesting place. Looks like it’ll be the first Wormhole X-treme report about or by the people the show’s actually based on. Makes sense, I guess; for all that WX is a big deal on base, usually the cattiness on base is in person, not online.

Colonel Cameron Mitchell


From: Lieutenant Brandon Jefferson <brandon.jefferson@us.af.mil>
To: Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell <cameron.mitchell@us.af.mil>, Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: Content of official e-mails

Sirs, please remember that these are official e-mail addresses for official/SGC/Air Force related business ONLY. Remember that all official e-mails get stored forever on our servers, and that e-mails with certain key phrases get automatically flagged for us to review. Wormhole X-treme is one of them—that’s what personal e-mail addys are for.
Project Bluebook Technical Security


From: Lieutenant Manuel Rivera <manuel.rivera@us.af.mil>
To: Doctor Barry Stanislawski <barry. stanislawski.@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: WTF?

Barry,

What the fuck, man? I know the General’s got a great handle on sarcasm (which, lemme tell you, in that way if no other, Danning’s just a pale imitation of the real thing). But what he said about Vala? That’s cold, man, that’s ice cold. She’s an alien. She’s been on our planet less than a year. In that time, she’s learned to write our language well enough to be halfway through a story that big? There’s Americans who grew up here who can’t spell that well, either. And those fangirls, I betcha a lot of them are just kids. Hell, I *know* some of them are underage.

General O’Neill’s just jealous because *she’s* on his old team, and *he’s* stuck flying a desk in Washington making nice with the IOA.

Lieutenant Manuel Rivera
Cheyenne Mountain Operational Complex


From: Doctor Barry Stanislawski <barry. stanislawski.@peterson.af.mil>
To: Lieutenant Manuel Rivera <manuel.rivera@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: WTF?

Manny,

Have you actually read any of the fic? Any of it? Vala’s Danning and Levant are so far out of character they’re from another universe. And there’s so much about the military wrong, I can spot it, and my only contact with you grunts is in the labs. She’s working every day with a whole mountain of soldiers—excuse me, airmen and marines—there’s just no excuse for it. The science is worse. I know she’s got a better grasp of wormhole physics and interstellar craft than that. And while she’s finding someone to go over the military details, take ten minutes to do a damn spellcheck.

As for those LevInGirls who follow her like she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, they’re immature whining wannabe’s with no concept of reality. If O’Neill’s sarcasm can get them to open their eyes—or at least go away and be quiet—then he’s doing the world a public service.

Dr. Barry Stanislawski,
Cheyenne Mountain Operational Complex


From: Lieutenant Brandon Jefferson <brandon.jefferson@us.af.mil>
To: Doctor Barry Stanislawski <barry. stanislawski.@peterson.af.mil>, Lieutenant Manuel Rivera <manuel.rivera@us.af.mil>
Subject: Content of official e-mails

Please remember that these are official e-mail addresses for official/SGC/Air Force related business ONLY. Remember that all official e-mails get stored forever on our servers. WX is NOT an appropriate topic for official e-mails.
Project Bluebook Technical Security


From: Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter <samantha.carter@peterson.af.mil>
To: Doctor Daniel Jackson <daniel.jackson@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: What’s going on down there?

Daniel,

WHAT the heck is going on down there? I leave for a week and a half and everything blows up! I just got an e-mail from Bill Lee about having to reschedule lab time and reassign partners based on some argument about WX.

(Though I suppose I’ll take online explosions over the real thing. At least in the mountain. I suppose it’s a good thing everything’s quiet enough people can fight about this?)

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter


From: Doctor Daniel Jackson <daniel.jackson@peterson.af.mil>
To: Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter <samantha.carter@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: re: What’s going on down there?

Sam,

I’m trying very hard to remain blissfully ignorant. Vala and Jack started it. Teal’c and Cam are fanning the flames. Frankly, that’s more than I want to know. While they’re bored enough to start World War III over a TV show, *I’m* finally getting somewhere on that tablet from P6X-212. It’s nice to have time to work through some of my backlog. Though, from what I’ve seen so far I don’t think it’s going to have anything useful on it—I’m probably going to have to put some notes on it and set it aside for after we’re done with the Ori.

Assuming nothing *else* shows up to conquer the galaxy.

Daniel


From: Captain Tisha Whitehall <tisha.whitehall@peterson.af.mil>
To: Doctor Tory Delano <tory.delano@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: I can’t believe what General O’Neill said

Tory,

Vala’s a bitch who can’t write. Just because Danning and Levant are hot together doesn’t mean every story about them is worth reading. In fact, from what I can tell, it means that almost all stories about them are *crap*. And Vala? Vala’s stories bring the average level of quality *down*. And her fans bring the average intelligence level of the whole *planet* down. They give women a bad name, and you know it. If I’d been in the General’s shoes, I’d have gone farther.

Captain Tisha Whitehall


From: Doctor Tory Delano <tory.delano@us.af.mil>
To: Captain Tisha Whitehall <tisha.whitehall@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: I can’t believe what *you* said.

Tisha,

Of course you’re defending him. You military numbskulls always stick together. Your idea for empowering women is to cut them down if they don’t agree with the great man, huh?

Doctor Tory Delano


From: Lieutenant Brandon Jefferson <brandon.jefferson@us.af.mil>
To: SGC Mailing List
Subject: Content of official e-mails

To all SGC personnel: OFFICIAL E-MAIL IS FOR OFFICIAL PURPOSES ONLY. That means things that relate to your jobs or defending the planet in some way, and Wormhole X-treme does not count! REMEMBER that ALL official e-mails get stored forever on our servers, and that e-mails with certain key phrases are automatically flagged for us to review. FURTHER VIOLATIONS WILL BE REPORTED.
Project Bluebook Technical Security


From: Major General Hank Landry <hank.landry@us.af.mil>
To: SGC Mailing List
Subject: Wormhole X-Treme and base unity

To all SGC personnel:

It has come to my attention that so-called “fannish” activities and conflicts are interfering with the efficiency of this base. I don’t care what you do in your off time, people, but if you’re slowing down operations, you’re not only endangering the planet, you’re annoying me. Lieutenant Cantrell will be reporting any further e-mail violations directly to me, and department heads will report any altercations on their turf. If I hear about anything more, you don’t want to know what’s going to happen to everyone involved.

Major General Hank Landry


From: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
To: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: How’s it hangin’?

Teal’c, old buddy! I’ll be arriving at the SGC for an inspection in two days. What’s the tactical situation?

Major General Jack O’Neill,
The Pentagon


From: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
Subject: re: How’s it hangin’?

O’Neill,

Things are quiet. Although the Ori advance continues, they are not currently interfering with us or any of our allies. The Lucian Alliance is also occupied elsewhere.

Teal’c


From: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
To: Teal’c <tealc.chulak@peterson.af.mil>
Subject: re: re: How’s it hangin’?

Teal’c,

I meant on base, not … never mind.

Major General Jack O’Neill
The Pentagon


From: Major General Hank Landry <hank.landry@us.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
Subject: Your upcoming visit

Jack,

You sure stirred things up here. Can’t you postpone your visit until things die down? I’ve got a base to run, and now it feels more like a high school than a military installation. I’ve got a lid on things for now, but don’t make things worse. This is my base, now. I’m the one responsible for the defense of the planet. I’d appreciate if you didn’t make my job harder.

Major General Hank Landry


From: Vala <vala.maldoran@us.af.mil>
To: Jack O’Neill <jonathan.oneill@us.af.mil>
Subject: Aren’t explosions fun?

Well! That was fun. The next time things get boring I must remember to invit you Jack. Nothing like a foothold situashun to get the excitement going. Although now all that lovly gossip has died down, and the emails are much less entertaning the second time around when you now how its going to end. My next chapter comes out in a week.

Vala Mal Doran


Title: Star-Crossed (39/?)
Author: mrs_levant
Fandom: Wormhole X-Treme
Pairing: LevIng (is there any other? ;) )
Summary: Dr Nick Levant is captured and tortured by enemy aliens will Colonel Jim Danning be able to tell him how he reely feels?

… As he looked on Nicky’s twisted body, Jim could not beleive he had ever thought he could deny his undying passion, for his sweet brave archeaologist. His heart was palpatating in his chest, and he knew he could fight this passion no longer; He cursed the cruel Air Force that his pure and perfect love, must remain hidden now and forevermore; He cursed the Klanocticans who had so mistreated his Nicky; He longed to gather his beloved in his arms and kiss every hurt away;

As if in answer to the wrending of his heart Nicky’s blue orbs fluttered open, at first they darted around as if he was unsure what was going on but then they settled on Jim, and Nicky’s bruised lips curved in a smile. “I knew you would find me,” he said.

“Of course,” Jim replied. “How could I let my own heart be kiled I would of died myself, if I couldn’t save you.”

“You do love me!” Nicky exclaimed. “I thought you didn’t.”

“I can’t fight this any longer,” the air force officer sighed. “I love you, and I’d marry you if I could.”

“Oh, Jim! I thought you’d never say it!” They kissed. It was such a kiss Jim could almost forget they were in the middle of a combat zone, with enemy wariors all around them looking for them …

… Now that they were home, and Nicky was finally out of the infirmary, Jim brought him to his own house for his convalesence. Was it wrong to hope that Jim would be injured a lot in the future so they’d have this excuse to be together? The sex alone would be worth it. Nicky’s turgid member was larger than his own, and it felt so good like velvet over steel…

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-24 08:34 pm (UTC)
merrycaepa: (fs - don't we all)
From: [personal profile] merrycaepa
"you’re not only endangering the planet, you’re annoying me"

Words cannot possibly describe the extent to which this has made my day, my afternoon, and conceivably my life. Everything about this is just spot on.

Is it too much to hope for a sequel?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-27 03:26 pm (UTC)
princessofgeeks: (Calvin Yay by hsapiens)
From: [personal profile] princessofgeeks
I laughed out loud at "the screencaps which you seek are attached," and it just got funnier and funnier from there.

thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-24 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] openended.livejournal.com
Excuse me, I'm laughing too hard to come up with a coherent response to this bit of perfection.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-24 09:20 pm (UTC)
muccamukk: Sarah Jane and Rose pointing and laughing. Text: "ha ha ha ha ha.". (DW: HAHAHA)
From: [personal profile] muccamukk
This is fantastic on every level. I think my favourite parts are Teal'c inciting to fandomwank and poor Lieutenant Brandon Jefferson.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-24 09:29 pm (UTC)
scrollgirl: vala grinning; text: glee! (sg-1 vala glee)
From: [personal profile] scrollgirl
DIES LAUGHING FOREVER.

Do you know, it is *so* in character that Jack and Vala would start a flame-war, that Cam and Teal'c would fandom_wank them, that Sam would go WTF, and Daniel would run for cover. HILARIOUS. ♥♥♥

*cough* Warrior is actually spelt with 3 Rs.
Edited Date: 2010-10-24 09:30 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-24 11:16 pm (UTC)
scrollgirl: teaminess = cam, sam, daniel, teal'c, vala (sg-1 teaminess)
From: [personal profile] scrollgirl
Yes, but your spin on her fic is perfect! I love the email arguments, seeing Vala's really awful spelling, and poor Project Bluebook Guy trying to lay down the law!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 12:35 am (UTC)
busaikko: Jakc O'Neill looking hot in glasses (SG1 Jack glasses)
From: [personal profile] busaikko
This was hysterical! I love how everyone's perfectly in character as the wank escalates; a bored SG1 is a dangerous thing....

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 12:43 am (UTC)
astridv: (Default)
From: [personal profile] astridv
Ahhah, that just made my evening, thank you. And "The screen caps which you seek are attached" gotta be one of the funniest lines I've read in fic.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 01:19 am (UTC)
tielan: Wonder Woman (Default)
From: [personal profile] tielan
I should have commented on this this morning when I first read it, but the viciously red background of your blog deterred me. (at work, trying not to be obvs.)

Except now it's been recced everywhere, so I'm late to the party!

Hilarious and very entertaining.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 05:01 am (UTC)
tielan: (LOL)
From: [personal profile] tielan
[personal profile] scrollgirl and...um...apparently nowhere else.

But I saw you off my f-list, and I'm sure it's been recced around by now.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 02:11 am (UTC)
holdouttrout: not your ordinary fish (Default)
From: [personal profile] holdouttrout
Oh, this is TOO funny. Vala would write slash, wouldn't she? :-)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 04:54 am (UTC)
ninja007: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ninja007
Amazingly funny and just a hoot to read!

Loved the ending!!

What a wonderful mind you have....

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-25 08:39 pm (UTC)
suncat: Numa, the lion (Numa2)
From: [personal profile] suncat
Bwah-hah-ha-ha! This made my day. I never saw the last few seasons of SG-1, but reading this, it didn't matter. The way the later characters like Vala bounced off the familiar ones was the perfect introduction.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-26 01:55 am (UTC)
xparrot: Donna: OMG! (omg (donna))
From: [personal profile] xparrot
Heeeee! Great fun, and this bit:

Colonel Mitchell,

The screen caps which you seek are attached.

Teal’c of Chulak


made me literally laugh out loud.

(here from [personal profile] astridv's rec!)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-26 03:43 am (UTC)
cofax7: climbing on an abbey wall  (Default)
From: [personal profile] cofax7
OMG I laughed myself sick.

Poor LT Jefferson. *grins*

That was awesome.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-26 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] ex_dragonlady860
This. Is. Awesome. So very them, especially Sam and Daniel (DANNY!), and the official interjections were the perfect spice. Brandon Jefferson was excellent OC, hon. And the metacommentary on bad fanfic was, well, in a word, epic. And I loved Teal'c emails. Very well done.

DragonLady

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-26 07:16 pm (UTC)
kuwdora: Pooka - card 60, brian froud (Default)
From: [personal profile] kuwdora
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AWESomeeeeeeeeeeeee <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-26 07:38 pm (UTC)
juniperphoenix: Vala Mal Doran (SG-1: This is my Vala face)
From: [personal profile] juniperphoenix
*dies laughing*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-27 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] amaliedageek
Oh God.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I can't manage anything coherent, I'm laughing too hard.

Teal'c and screencaps in the same sentence . . . I'm sorry, I can't breathe, I can just see his face . . . .

[personal profile] cofax7 sent me over; I need to send her cookies.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-27 08:23 am (UTC)
sarkka: midsummer bonfire that looks like a feenix (Default)
From: [personal profile] sarkka
YAY !!!! =D

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-01 09:39 pm (UTC)
peridotjude: (Default)
From: [personal profile] peridotjude
luvd the speling; after all, why shoud Vala be a better speler than a lot of reel fan fic riters? the only thing id change is how she speld grammar; witch is rite. id have had her spel it grammer; like everywon else. heh koodos two on her creeateive yuse of the semi-coluns. very gud

And now, if I were only not a gurl, I cood say this about myself-- Nicky’s turgid member was larger than his own, and it felt so good like velvet over steel…

bwahahahahahahaha

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-11 03:16 pm (UTC)
paian: Bra'tac laughing, caption 'heee' (bra'tac heee by cala_jane)
From: [personal profile] paian
::huge grin:: Loved this. :-)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-16 03:48 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Oh this is BRILLIANT!

Elaiel.

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